Sheep Run Amok in City Park
An apparently homeless flock of sheep filed suit in Sazanovich county last Friday, claiming eminent domain and consequent territorial rights to the land occupied by Zabokritski Park.
Local residents protested the action and accused the sheep of performing numerous indecent acts in clear view of passers-by, including but not limited to shedding, winking, blinking, and nodding. "You could just tell what they had on their minds," claimed Ruth Ann Ellerbrock. "You can't" pull the wool over my eyes!"
According to sheriff's deputy Cristian Petculescu, the origin of the sheep remains unclear. "They must have snuck in sometime last winter," Petculescu speculated. "If there had been picnickers eating, they would have noticed a flock of animals like this pulling up and settling down.
Margie Shoop, of Margie's Travel, denied reports the sheep were a tour group from Scotland stranded when immigration officials impounded their musical instruments.
So Upset at Missing Aardvarks Roster
Star left wing David So, last year's leading scorer for the league-champion Adirondack Aardvarks hockey team, expressed shock and disappointment Friday when team officials announced he wouldn't have a place on this year's team.
"In today's sports environment," claimed general manager Ranjit Rudra Varkey Chudukatil, "Fans just don't remember short, easy-to-remember names like So. But once a fan goes through the effort of learning a name like Ram Thirunavukkarasu, they're not going to forget it any time soon."